Christmas Card Collection 2011

Any particular favorites, anyone?

Addicted

I recently re-discovered my love for making cards :) I'm in the process of putting together a huge stash of holiday cards (will post pictures once it's time to mail them out)

Here's a project that I worked on this weekend for a friend who is going to India this week. The order of pages is same as the order of the pictures. The windows open to show photos of the various times we've hung out together over the last couple of years. We were roommates for a little over a year, so it was hard choosing which pictures to include! I've not included pictures with the photos on the card, but this is just to give you (whoever bothers to read this blog anymore) an idea of what I've been working on! She's going back to India to get married, so please join me in wishing her all the best for this next stage in life :)

25

My trip to India this time was quite an eye opener for me on several levels. One of those moments being this sudden (or maybe not so sudden) realization that I will be turning 25 in less than 6 months. It was on one of those numerous hospital check-ups that someone checked my file and realized that the age had been printed wrong –“Oh! You’re going to be 25 soon!! :D”

There is something about the number 25. In terms of age, it is like the first 'real' transition point in your life according to most social norms. This is that age most mothers give themselves as a deadline to have their daughters married. It’s an age by which you should have started to realize that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. In other words, this is the age when you finally begin to feel old!

Change IS the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. My opinions have gotten stronger. I see what others are doing and find myself judging more than usual. I realize that I have set myself certain boundaries and expectations in my life (ever changing, mind you). I’m constantly adding things to my mental list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

When I was a girl, I was in such a hurry to grow up. I wanted to be taken seriously. I didn’t want people to think my brother was ‘the older one’. I wanted to wear make-up, high heels, be my own person with no one telling me what to do. And now that I am 24, I would do anything to get back to being just ‘young’ again and without a care in the world.

During my visit, I realized that a lot of my classmates from school were engaged and most of them will be married by the end of the year. Few of the girls are already mothers! I realized my teenage friends have moved on with their respective lives (so have I). These were the people with whom I used to roam around with, fight over the last drop of the communal Pepsi bottle and laugh at every little thing without caring for tomorrow. People with whom I discussed everything that troubled the teenage ‘me’. They suddenly seem to have gone on into a different part of the world. And yet, we all still hang on to those good times for comfort and marvel at how things have changed since then :)

I noticed that my parents have developed quite a substantial amount of white hair, were beginning to complain about pain in their knees and knuckles, even alluding to the fact that they will not be around forever. It dawned on me that my grandmother looks more frail than my usual memory of her. I didn’t want to leave..I wanted to stay and soak in all the warmth I got from them and have them at close quarters.

The constant question from everyone I met was “When do we see you next?” I started to feel insecure, wondered where I will be in a year or two and then chickened out because I don’t even know what I’ll be doing six months from now.

The thought is pretty overwhelming though. Twenty-Five, by the end of June I would have been on this planet for a quarter of a century. SHOCKING!!!

There are times when you listen to songs and feel like they've been written for you. This is one of them...

"I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
To the place where I belong,
And where love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home."

--"Home" by Daughtry

Learn to be Still

I've been at home for over 2 months now. For a person like me, who is so used to having something to do or some deadline to meet, it has felt like torture at times. Unless I make a conscious effort, the only people I meet are those in my family and that's when they come back from school or work.

I woke up this morning and realized that a whole year has passed since I passed out of college and there is just about a month left before I fly away. A house has been fixed up for me, clothes have been bought. A new chapter is about to begin. I've done a million things things in the last year. I managed to live in a totally different city on my own. I learned how to bargain in flea markets (maybe not entirely, but it's a start!). I learned that nothing can beat the feeling of meeting old friends and being able to share the same magic that we once shared. I thought about growing up. I miss the days running around the neighbourhood, kids on cycles and dogs faithfully wagging their tails behind us. I miss sleepovers. Those long conversations about issues that seemed so life-threatening at the time. I miss it all.

There is always something calling to me to travel more, to get out there and experience new environments. In the world we live in today, there seems to be very little time to stop what you are doing and appreciate 'now'. Being still requires practise, taking stock of yourself, your actions, thoughts and feelings.

I can be still in the literal sense but have an inability to relax. I'm always thinking. But I'm tired of thinking. I'm ready to sit down and learn to be still.

Summer of '69

It's amazing how human beings can be such creatures of habit. And as much as I hate to admit it, I am no exception.

My grandparents' home in Bangalore has always been my second home. I write this not to imply that anything has changed in this regard but because I'm totally overwhelmed at how different a place is even when one person is not around. It's the people that make a 'home'.

My grandparents' old house was called "Shanti Nilayam", which means "abode of peace" and this home meant a lot to all those who passed through it. It was on the outskirts of the city and it was here that I was initiated into the community of tree-climbers & kitchen-counter conversationalists :D My grandparents believed in all of their children and grandchildren being brought up as citizens of the world. They were one hell of a formidable team. The home generated love and togetherness. The home connected us with the rest of the world. The home...I'm beginning to sound like a cracked gramophone record.

The new house is just an extension of the old one. All the things that I said before hold true. But with my grandfather not around to make his physical presence felt, I feel a void. Something is missing. Most conversations have some sort of reference to how Appa would have liked it or what he used to say. Yesterday morning, we were sorting out things in the cupboard and came across a whole bunch of things that belonged to Appa. The Air Force uniform cap, old photos, scrap pieces of paper with his writing on it, notes of encouragement to members of the family..anyone who came across it would get a glimpse into the enthusiasm, determination and vitality of this man, who I am so proud to call my grandfather.

We have so many things to learn from the likes of him. If I'm even half as determined as him during the latter part of my life, I would consider myself very lucky. The motivation and urgency with which he went about his daily routine (even at the age of 94) so that he could live life to the fullest, would most definitely put a majority of us 20 year olds to shame. There are so many memories of him that will remain with me for as long as my memory is intact; a thumbs-up before we embarked on that eventful journey by ambulance from Vellore to Bangalore, that hug I got on the last day I saw him..the last goodbye. Appa's always been my hero and any older male has and will probably always be compared to him. I love you, Appa..I probably didn't tell you that enough during your lifetime but Bangalore just doesn't seem the same without you.

Cleaning Out My Closet

Every year my mom insists that we sort out our belongings and give away things that we don't need anymore or have grown out of. I have a habit of never throwing away gifts. Sometimes this even extends to gift wrapping paper. That might explain why there's a treasure trove of paper and cards piled up at the bottom of my cupboard and it shows no sign of getting any smaller!

A few days ago, I settled down in front of my old cupboard and tried to establish some order in the mess. Even though I might end up keeping everything, it doesn't necessarily mean that I've stored it all properly. I had tossed them into a box at leisure and then I ran out of leisure in the shambles of the usual clean-up mode, so they got caught up in the bale-it-up-and-stuff-it-in-the-box-and-we'll-straighten-it-out-next year syndrome.

I hauled out the box, spread out all the things across the bed, settled down with a glass of lime juice and a puzzled frame of mind. Just to help, I put a CD that had been compiled by an old friend in my portable CD player and cranked up the volume.

Here it all was. Candles and pine boughs, CDs and pictures, cards containing heavy messages about love, joy, peace and goodwill. If that wasn't enough, there were all those handwritten messages of affection from friends and family.

It was as if I was watching my life over the past 22 years like a slide show. Seldom have I felt so bad and so good at the same time. So wonderfully rotten, elegantly sad, melancholic and nostalgic.

What can I say? I guess wonder and awe and joy are always there in the attic of one's mind. It doesn't take a lot to set it off. Yet there is a terrible and wondrous truth working here. That all things live only if something else is cleared out of the path to make way. No death; no life. No exceptions. Things must come and go. People. Years. Ideas. The wheel turns and the old is cleared away as fodder for the new.

I picked up the letters and cards to stack them away; with respect if not enthusiasm. Wondering at what is going and coming. Quietly awed into silence by what I have now come to understand but cannot tell.

Who Knew

The last post kind of inspired me to make a last attempt at contacting a very old friend of mine. And as luck would have it, I managed to get through to him and a meeting was fixed! Now let me fill you in on the blank spaces...

This is a guy who I last met when I was 7. He was my 'chaddi' buddy in the true sense of the word ;) Back then, we shared a back wall and all it took to get him to jump over the wall was to start filling the water in the paddle pool and scream his name out loud. Within minutes, there would be two kids splashing about in the pool as if there was not a care in the world! We were a team back then. Almost like a package deal :P He's the person who gave me the nickname that all my close friends call me to this day! I remember bits and pieces of our school bus trips together. Me running back to pick up things that he had left behind, he standing up for me when I got into trouble, both of us dealing with small-time bullies together, me bullying people who bullied him....

And there we were, more than 15 years later, attempting to make a new beginning. Laughs turned into snorts when we realized that we both still diligently pick any trace of capsicum from our food..Conversation flowed..opinions were exchanged, lists of top ten favourites were listed..we had a lot to catch up on!

What I found weird was that even after all the years that have passed, we still had some vague sort of connection. Numerous attempts to get in touch earlier had failed for some reason or the other. But what was nice, was the fact that it had worked out this time :)

It's a refreshing change to meet someone after so long and for them to accept you unconditionally. For them to probably have more faith in you than you might have in yourself and vice versa. It’s not everyday that you come across friends like this and for that, RB, I only have you to thank :)

Tag. I'm it!

I decided to tag myself since I've noticed this 'tag' phenomenon on a couple of random blogs that I've seen. I don't want to tag anyone..just felt like blabbering.

7 things I miss:

• Hostel. The late night chats. The ability to walk down the corridor and have meaningful (and at times, totally meaningless) conversations with people you actually care about.
• Talks with my grandfather over the dining table. We used to laugh about it and want to run away while the conversation was taking place..but the thought that those conversations can't take place anymore makes me want them all the more.
• Home. It gets to you while you're there but after some time being out, you just crave the food..people..and the fact that you can sit back, relax and 'be yourself'.
  
• Being a kid. The thought of not worrying about what the future holds for me is very appealing at the moment.
• Coffee breaks during the last sem in college. The spur-of-the-moment plans that we used to hatch.
• Being less cynical about people...or maybe just life in general.
  
• The ability to write and express myself on demand. It takes a hell of a lot of effort these days..

7 things I can't do:

• Public displays of affection..but I'm learning :)
  
• Control my movements when someone tickles me
  
• Get over my need to obsess about random shit that may not be of any consequence.
  
• Understand abstract art..or even abstract thought processes for that matter.
• Read books based on philosophy or fantasy. They're all the same jibberish to me
• Eat a meal big enough for two. My eyes always seem to be bigger than my stomach!
• Understand hypocrites or people who lead double-lives
  

7 things I can do:

• Laugh about nothing in particular until my eyes start to water.
• Write.
• Have a song constantly running through my head but the minute you ask me which one it is..I'll forget which one!
  
• Be mercilessly truthful on demand
  
• Talk to random people about stuff that doesn't particularly concern me
• Irritate close friends with my 'diplo-babble' :P
• Lose track of time when doing anything 'arty' and 'crafty'
  

7 things I plan to do:

• Discover Delhi. I intend to do this on my own..and if I end up having company..then great!
• Find myself somewhere along the way.
• Visit England, Egypt, Israel and Paris. If I could manage to go with my grandmother for a trip down memory-lane in Europe..even better.
  
• Go bunjee-jumping
• Do something totally reckless..and not regret it one bit the next morning!
  
• Live life..yes, just live life and take things as they come.
  
• Smile..and make others smile in the process :)

Tuesday's gone.

[This is something I wrote a few months ago. Thought it was apt to add this to my newly made blog]


Rewind.....9-10 months ago...

Summer's set in on good old Vellore. You can tell by the way everyone avoids leaving their rooms in the sweltering afternoons unless they want to risk complete dehydration and planning their walks around campus based on which building has decent bathrooms or water coolers :P

It's at times like this..that you feel like DOING something. ANYTHING! It must be the heat, you tell yourself..the only solace are the brief food breaks (essential for sanity) and 15 minute breaks in an A/C lab. The end of college still seems eons away. Who thinks about stuff like that anyway?

May 2007

We're almost done. With each passing day, we try pushing it further and further into the background. Nobody talks about it. I guess if we don't talk about it, it might not happen..

But with whatever we did..the inevitable happened. Every day had a new person to say 'good-bye' to. You try and keep a straight face..smile and wave..but even the slightest degree of emotion on the other person's face can make the hardest nuts to crack sob like a little baby when their backs are turned.

It ended with pregnant silences that seemed to leave everything and nothing unsaid (ironic,huh?); hugs with each person hesitant to let go; promises to meet again, to keep in touch, tears. But above everything else, it ended in a feeling of emptiness- a hollow feeling that eventually gave way to the realization that a way of life had just been laid to rest, and that this chapter of our lives had finally come to a close.

Present Day

People have moved on. Conversations only occur when a real effort is made. The old voices never fail to make you smile :) The old pictures now remind you of what seems like a distant memory. You almost have to pinch yourself to feel the pain at times. It feels like that candle has been snuffed out leaving you in total darkness.

There's talk of a reunion. Will that ever happen? God knows. The enthusiasm dwindles. But come what may..you still hope that you share the same magic with those people. That you can pick up from where you left off. That there's something left to rediscover when you go back!

The memories never fail to make you smile :) Those were happy times. The good life. When you could pick up the phone and talk for free! Those long drawn out conversations about some vague concept (which seemed important at the time). It's those memories which we all hold on to. Times moves on. People do too. But nothing can take away the memories of those times :D They did happen..and that small candle blowing in the wind will continue to burn for as long as those memories live on.