Final Countdown

1 more exam, 4 more days, 24 hours of travelling..and I will be home. Hip Hip Hurray! :D

Thank You

It's been a year. I lit a candle today in honour of my grandfather. It's been an interesting year to say the least. I have a lot to be thankful for.
To the people who held my hand through the tough times, listened to me rant on the phone and went out in the morning to buy me a candle..you know who you are.

Thank you :)

Mumbai Meri Jaan

On Wednesday morning, I woke up in the morning dreading all the work I had to do before stepping on a flight to go to Houston. I was running around like a beheaded chicken, trying to finish off a particularly irritating assignment and at the same time trying to make sure that I packed whatever was required for my 3 day trip. 

Needless to say, I reached the airport in time and had to stand in what seemed like a never-ending line before I could go through the security check at the airport. With a sense of achievement that I still had time to spare, I headed towards the gate to wait for them to call for boarding. Nothing in my wildest dream could have prepared me for what I would see on the TV screen. Mumbai...was under attack. Guests at the Taj Hotel had been taken hostage. Gunmen had opened fire at innocent travellers in the busiest train station I have ever seen till date. People had been shot in Cafe Leopold. I had to sit down in a chair because I couldn't believe my eyes. I could feel my legs buckle under me because I couldn't stop shaking. I watched in silence and disbelief as more news came in and pictures came up on the screen.

The places were familiar. I wasn't born in Mumbai and I have never lived there for any significant length of time. But less than one year ago, I made two visits to this vibrant city. At a time in my life when I was largely unhappy, recuperating from loss, confused about my future, extremely restless and desperate for a sense of belonging - I found myself in Mumbai. During those two visits, I marvelled at the sense of freedom I experienced there.  We spent most of those days sitting on Marine Drive, watching the waves break against the rocks in silence, interspersed with some wise-cracks at someone else's expense. We stood near the Gateway of India marvelling at the beauty of the Taj and joking about how none of us had the money to have an entire meal there. We spent time in Leopold's soaking in the music and the atmosphere. We travelled by local train and passed through CST numerous times. The place had an energy about it which I had never experienced before. People were constantly on the move. The rhythm of their footsteps were somehow a source of comfort to me. Proof that in all the chaos of my life, there could eventually be some sense of order. 

I was in Houston for Thanksgiving. But every moment that wasn't spent talking to family or preparing for the dinner was spent obsessing about what was happening in Mumbai; reading every single article I could lay my hands on, contacting friends in Mumbai to make sure they were ok, watching CNN for updates and reading various blogs. The sheer helplessness of the situation was overwhelming and annoying. I know I'm not the only one who has felt this way because I've lost track of the number of people who have told me this over the past few days - "Is there anything at all I can do to help? Why???"

In all this chaos, there's no dearth of stories which leave you with some sense of hope for the days to come. The railway authorities cleared the debris of the explosions in 12 hours. Volunteers came forward to carry the wounded and the dead, to donate blood and to assist traumatized survivors.This demonstration of courage and empathy is all the more remarkable in a metropolis whose residents must desensitise themselves in order to survive against failing infrastructure, strained amenities, official indifference and an unforgiving pace of life. The epitome of survival of the fittest.

It feels next to impossible for me to look at something like this objectively. The siege may be over for now. People have died. Fingers are being pointed. The general public is outraged at the state of affairs. All the people holding offices of power seem to have put in their papers. Does that really achieve anything? They step down and expect someone else to do the clean-up job. It just leaves a bad taste in one's mouth. 

It's very easy to point fingers but I believe Indians have to change. And what better time than right now? Politicians can only make policies to point us in the right direction. It's the common man and the law enforcers who will ultimately ensure that the system runs efficiently. We, as a community, have to learn how to stop cutting corners. If we want a more effective security system, we have to be willing to sacrifice a little of our privacy. There's a price we're all going to have to pay if we want to live in a safer and more secure world. Blaming everything on the government has become a habit - an escape route for most. The fact still remains that most of our metros are unprepared to defend themselves against the perils of terrorist warfare.

Someone pointed out to me today that I give people too much credit. That I have way too much faith in humanity. The truth is, I don't think I'd like to have it any other way. I believe that the undaunted resilience of the human heart is something spectacular. That we can pick up the pieces and move on with our lives never fails to amaze me. But I regret to say, that in our hurry to "move on", we forget. We may have escaped the clutches of terror this time, but that doesn't guarantee that we will be as lucky tomorrow. I sincerely hope that we, as a nation, learn from these mistakes so that a tragedy of this magnitude can be avoided in the future. Resilience is good, but amnesia fatal.

November Rain

The gloomy weather seems to have been taking its toll on my mood lately. I don't like to have the rain in my shoes. I don't like to see the sky painted gray. I don't like it when nothing is going my way. I don't like to be the one with blues.

But then everything suddenly turned around when I looked outside my window today and saw SNOW. The immense beauty that nature has at its disposal left me speechless and brought the biggest of grins to my face. You haven't experienced anything until you've opened the window to your second floor apartment when it is sub-zero temperature outside and stuck your head out to see how it feels to have snow falling on the tip of your nose. Or stuck your tongue out to catch a snowflake and intercepted its journey to the ground. Or sat on the windowsill and dangled your feet in cold breeze, humming your favourite tune.

For that brief time period, you are transported back in time to the days when you didn't have a care in the world. When there were no exams around the corner. When you could afford to waste time and not feel even the smallest ounce of guilt. When your days weren't so structured and you didn't have any work to do.

I wish there were more of these days. But for now, I'm going to enjoy the moment, grab my boots and coat and do a little snow dance :D After all..it's not every day that it snows in Philadelphia!

Tired of Being Sorry

We say so many things to each other, without thinking about whether or not the person being addressed is going to be hurt. A slip of the tongue, if you may.  But we get all hot and bothered when similar things are spoken to us, unintentionally again, in an effort to elicit a laugh from a crowd of admiring friends. I can dish it out but I can’t take it? That’s not really fair. 

But like everything else, the hurt caused always fades away, faster than we think it will. At times a good laugh or two is all it takes for you to move on with your life. To 'forget'.  But the memory remains, somewhere inside your head, waiting to rear its ugly head just when you’re at your most vulnerable… 

If I were to apologize to everyone I have ever hurt, and to those that I may have hurt without even being aware of it, I don't think I'd even come close to completing my task. Because a lot of it was unintentional, unrealized, unmentionable, unremembered. So should I just move on? But this really isn't supposed to be about me. Is it?This is about every hurt, every slight, every reprimand, and every wound which had yours truly as a conspirator or co-conspirator. I'm tired of being sorry..

There are times when you listen to songs and feel like they've been written for you. This is one of them...

"I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love remains true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
To the place where I belong,
And where love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home."

--"Home" by Daughtry

A Whole New World

Post # 40. From the other side of the globe that I was in less then a week ago! Not that I'm homesick or anything..but at times I miss the chaos ; the art of running across streets without getting run over. Who would have thought it would feel so weird waiting for the light to turn green before being able to cross the road?

Turn, Turn, Turn

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time for every purpose, under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time for peace, I swear its not too late

--The Byrds

The Logical Song

These are the lyrics to the song "The Logical Song" by Supertramp. We played it at home after a really long time and since I could not think of anything else to post here, I thought this should suffice for the time being.

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,

a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.

And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,

joyfully, playfully watching me.

But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,

logical, responsible, practical.

And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,

clinical, intellectual, cynical.

There are times when all the world's asleep,

the questions run too deep

for such a simple man.

Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned

I know it sounds absurd

but please tell me who I am.

Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,

liberal, fanatical, criminal.

Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're

acceptable, respecable, presentable, a vegetable!

At night, when all the world's asleep,

the questions run so deep

for such a simple man.

Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned

I know it sounds absurd

but please tell me who I am.

--Supertramp

Mera Bharat Mahaan

The last two weeks has been a roller-coaster ride for "the world's largest democracy".

You might have caught glimpses of the 'debate', which had all the makings of a prime-time soap opera series; with friends turning foes, men going hysterical with rage, a grand old man trying to maintain peace and women enthusiastically beating down on the desks (instead of their chests as portrayed in serials being churned out by the dozen by the Ekta Kapoor production house).

One could easily focus primarily on the negative aspect of our democracy that was brought to light during the course of the show. I would much rather choose to dwell on the positive aspects that I took from the experience. Somewhere in the middle of all the chaos, I felt that all hope was not lost and that the future of Indian politics may not be as bleak as I had earlier thought it to be. There were a few 'leaders' who stood out based on the content of their respective speeches.

I have to admit I did not understand Mr. Lalu Prasad Yadav's speech entirely at first. It was simply amazing to watch the entire house listening to his every word and laughing along with him instead of interrupting his every word. A glance at the newspapers the next morning showed me that even though his speech was quite humorous, he managed to counter-attack every single point that had been brought up by the Opposition. For an Opposition who seems extremely eager to oppose a motion for the sake of opposing it, it was a pleasure to see them actually listening to someone else's point of view for a change!

The Prime Minister showed that he was a man of his word. He seems to have proved yet again why I have always thought of him as a politician with a difference. He isn't getting any younger but he sure is getting bolder with his speeches! I don't think that the Opposition realized it at the time but they were only making it easier for the man to make a much bigger impact on the nation with his speech by not allowing him to speak.

However I think the highlight of the proceedings were the speeches of Omar Abdullah and Rahul Gandhi. They both seemed extremely sincere, passionate about the issue at hand and the choice of words in both cases was almost impeccable. Some people likened Mr.Gandhi's speech to that of a school head-boy. I think his point about it being "time for India to start thinking like an emerging super-power by taking into consideration how we may impact the world and now how the world may impact us" may be slightly premature but definitely the attitude for the future. But if he hoped for the speech to be inspiring and thought-provoking, I have to say he did a pretty good job out of it :D

And after all this drama had unfolded, terrorists decided to strike in both Bangalore and Ahmedabad. As if we needed any more excitement in our lives. These people have sick minds. It shakes you up especially when they strike close to home. But life goes on. The Indian spirit has proved that it can take a lot of beating time and time again, only to spring back with renewed vigour. We've seen it with Mumbai and Udaipur. Life goes back to normal eventually because you can't really put your life on hold just because of these trouble-makers. You can only hope that the next time they strike, not many innocent lives are lost in the process.

Learn to be Still

I've been at home for over 2 months now. For a person like me, who is so used to having something to do or some deadline to meet, it has felt like torture at times. Unless I make a conscious effort, the only people I meet are those in my family and that's when they come back from school or work.

I woke up this morning and realized that a whole year has passed since I passed out of college and there is just about a month left before I fly away. A house has been fixed up for me, clothes have been bought. A new chapter is about to begin. I've done a million things things in the last year. I managed to live in a totally different city on my own. I learned how to bargain in flea markets (maybe not entirely, but it's a start!). I learned that nothing can beat the feeling of meeting old friends and being able to share the same magic that we once shared. I thought about growing up. I miss the days running around the neighbourhood, kids on cycles and dogs faithfully wagging their tails behind us. I miss sleepovers. Those long conversations about issues that seemed so life-threatening at the time. I miss it all.

There is always something calling to me to travel more, to get out there and experience new environments. In the world we live in today, there seems to be very little time to stop what you are doing and appreciate 'now'. Being still requires practise, taking stock of yourself, your actions, thoughts and feelings.

I can be still in the literal sense but have an inability to relax. I'm always thinking. But I'm tired of thinking. I'm ready to sit down and learn to be still.

Wisdom

I have always been slightly amused when people quote books or people in a normal conversation. It reminds me of my school days when we were encouraged to include quotes from famous people in our essays as it would fetch us more marks. I've never really been able to function like that. This is why I burst out laughing when I read the following paragraph in Kahlil Gibran's "The Voice of the Master" about wisdom -

"Learn the words of wisdom uttered by the wise and apply them in your own life. Live them-but do not make a show of reciting them, for he who repeats what he does not understand is no better than an ass that is loaded with books."

Trust

If you were asked to fall backward into the arms of a stranger, would you trust the other person to catch you?

Such a situation may be a bit extreme. But almost everyday, we place some degree of trust in individuals that we do not know. We tend to spend a great deal of time around unfamiliar people as compared to other mammals. We tend to rely on gut feeling ; deciding to avoid certain individuals but at the same time feeling secure enough to think that others will give you accurate directions to a destination if you happen to be lost.

Why?

Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word

Watching news these days can prove to be quite a trying exercise. There are a vast variety of 24/7 news channels and they seem as confused as everyone else is about the role they have to play in society. They seem to be caught up in a dilemma; to cover cases that need to addressed in a public forum or to cover the sensational news items which are bound to result in a rise in the TRPs.

The handling of the Aarushi Talwar murder case has only made matters worse. Within hours of the body being removed from the crime scene, there were reporters crawling all over the place. Vital information essential to the crime investigation would have been lost. You had news reporters hounding the family, re-enacting the crime and attempting to take the role of a detective. In the last month and a half, police insinuations complicated by the media's interpretations have lead to a classic case of mismanagement. The distraught father has been languishing in jail for over a month, only to be released today on bail because the CBI claims that they have not been able to find any evidence against him.

The whole episode has brought several issues to the forefront. If Aarushi must be answerable in death about her character, the policemen need to be answerable to theirs. They are supposed to be responsible for the security of the general public. Does that give them the right to judge a victim's character? Why have they taken on the role of the moral police? Transferring of these wayward policemen isn't going to do much to solve the issue at hand. Doesn't this kind of behaviour call for a public apology to the Talwar family? Nothing will be able to make up for the child that they have lost, the total disregard for their privacy and the harrowing experience of a father being thrown in jail at the time of a family crisis.

This is not one of those stories which has a happily-ever-after ending. One can just hope that this serves as a lesson to the people watching the news. It could be you or me on TV next.

Stop

The issue of patriotism seems to crop up every once in a while when the government looks like it is on its last legs or during the course of campaigning. On the surface, defining patriotism appears to be simple. It is love and devotion to one's country. The questions are why people love it and how they express their devotion. That's where the arguments begin.

Conservatives generally want to conserve and that requires a reverence for the past. They are allergic to change. If it was entirely left to them, being born into a nation would be similar to being born into a religion or family. It's like your family : it doesn't matter whether it's objectively better than someone else's. You love it because it's yours.You may be called to reaffirm the commitment as you reach adulthood - but it is impressed upon you early on, by those who have come before.

On inspection, both liberal and conservative brands of patriotism have their defects. Yet both sides need each other because love of country requires both affirmation and criticism.

Democracy seems to be the worst form of government at times when there is a conflict of opinion. The opposition doesn't seem to think twice before staging protests, imposing 'bandhs' and promising that they will undo all wrong carried out by the ruling party if they are elected to power. I'm not quite sure what point people are trying to prove by staging such riots and enforcing such bandhs. The people who they are protesting against (the government and various political leaders) get away scot-free. Their security personnel ensure that nothing untoward happens to them. And it's only the general public that suffers. Those are the people that these groups are supposed to be trying to 'help' in the first place. Ironic, isn't it?

Made In India

What does it mean to be an Indian? People seem to make their own definitions. At times it's beyond my level of understanding though. At some point in our lives, the way we perceive things such as patriotism, religion & God has a profound influence on our personality. These words divide human beings into collective groups of people. The whole purpose of religion and spirituality seems to be defeated.

You might be wondering what exactly it is I’m trying to get at. I started thinking about this when I was watching the news the other day. Sonia Gandhi was being described as a foreigner (as usual) in a particular interview. The fact that she's been in India for most of her adult life is of no consequence. The fact that both of her children have been raised as Indians means absolutely nothing. People are blinded by the fact that she wasn't born in India and can't seem to see beyond that.

I don’t think that just because someone may not have been born in India particularly disqualifies them from being Indian. Mother Teresa may have been born elsewhere but she’s one person who there is not much dispute over. We’re more than proud to declare her as one of our own. We still puff up with pride when names such as Lakshmi Mittal, Kalpana Chawla or Bobby Jindal are brought up in conversation. They're 'Indian' and look where they've reached. But people of Indian origin, even those who have been born and 'brought up' in the US, will always be considered as immigrants by the Americans. Does that mean we follow a similar policy when it comes to foreign people living in our lands?

I have a grandmother who was born in Germany. She spent the first 10 years of her life there before she had to be smuggled out of the country by boat in an attempt to escape the clutches of Nazi Germany. She met my grandfather in England and has been in India since 1949. India provided her a sense of stability and calm which she had never experienced before. She’s been here for well over 3/4th of her life; India is her ‘home’. If you ask me, she’s as Indian as any other person here. But some people think otherwise. They still consider her an outsider. That’s when it just doesn’t make sense to me anymore. Agreed, my grandmother’s never tried running for public office but I really don’t get why people get so excitable about Sonia Gandhi’s Italian roots. They almost start hyper-ventilating at the thought.

What is supposed to set us from other animals and why we claim to be 'intelligent' beings is the fact that our brains are capable of something simple called 'logic'. It seems to be an increasingly rare commodity these days.

Affirmation

I normally shy away from topics such as religion and personal belief. I doubt that will change any time soon but it doesn't mean that I won't clarify my stand (however vague it may seem to others) from time to time. Half of the hesitation comes about because I'm scared to find out deep dark notions lodged in my friends’ brains. What if I don't particularly like what I find out?

But today I decided to throw caution to the wind. As a new acquaintance told me, it is better you think of it this way; during those conversations you might learn things about the person that might give you a new perspective on life, change your outlook or attitude! The truth is the real nature of people comes out in such debates and that could prove to be a good thing as well as bad.

What I’m going to end up saying here has probably already been said before. I’m not your typical religious person. I’m a first-class case of neither-here-nor-there. I’m a strong believer in the freedom of expression as long as it not used to bring down or disgrace a particular person or community. I dislike extremes.

I believe in karma; what you give is what you get. Things might go astray but they will eventually work out someday (some way or the other). I’d like to think that there’s someone watching over me. It gives me a sense of comfort when things don’t work out the way I would have liked them to. I’m not a fan of thoughts being forced down your throat. But that doesn’t mean to say that I’m not open to other opinions. I just might not agree with them.

If only the more subtle forms of religion dominated the world, it would surely be a better place. To the vast majority of atheists in the world, religion is associated with the fundamentalists; the likes of Osama bin Laden or Hitler. They are/were all too influential and everyone in the modern world will have to deal with the likes of them at some point in their lives. Not a single religion I can think of is devoid of fundamentalists. Sad but true.

I refuse to believe that religion is the cause of all evil on this earth. Blind faith and misinterpretation-maybe. The existence of God will continue to debated upon for centuries to come. That is if we don’t manage to bring upon our own destruction prematurely with all our antics to make this world a better place to live in, thereby destroying it in the process. For the time being, I am happy to take comfort in the unknown. Even science has its limits in this regard. There are some things that even the greatest scientists this world has ever produced haven’t been able to understand. What would happen to all the fun if we had all the answers anyway?

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
I hope one day you'll join us
And the world will live as one." --- John Lennon

Imagine

In the rubble of the Sichuan earthquake, came hoards of horrific pictures; one piled up upon the another, until they nearly numbed the viewer. Children were buried in their collapsed schools and many others orphaned. But no other images affected me as deeply as those of grieving parents who because of China's one-child policy, would have lost their only children.

In the wake of the quake, Beijing says that couples who have lost their only child will be permitted to have another one. But the relaxation of this policy should extend further beyond the recent disaster. True, the one-child policy has succeeded in it's original aims. It has slashed China's birth rate drastically, multiplied the country's economic growth and brought more women into the workforce.

But as you dig a little deeper, the severe side effects become more obvious. China faces a demographic nightmare. Its rapidly aging population could suffer a major labor shortage in the next few decades. It will have millions of elderly people with few kids and an ill equipped social and medical infrastructure to care for them.

I somehow can't imagine a government telling me that I can't have more than one kid or forcing me to get rid of a new, additional baby. I guess that's one side effect of growing up in India - anything goes and to be more precise..the more the merrier :D And as each year goes by, I take greater comfort from having a sibling.

I think the time has come for the one-child policy to be phased out. The Sichuan quake and its grieving families could just be the catalyst. If appropriate steps are taken now, at a time when the state has a vast reserve of wealth, the future of China may not be as catastrophic as the Sichuan quake.

A Hard Day's Night

It was a couple of years ago when I was going through that nerve-wracking phase of college admissions. I had secured over 80 percent, yet I wasn't sure if I could even clear the list of colleges offering courses in pure science.

Throughout the whole process, I was filled with this complete sense of frustration over what seemed to be astronomical cut-off lists. It's not that I am opposed to competition. I am fully aware that competition helps us to perform better. But there has to be a limit. I think it's unfortunate that so much pressure is put on individuals who have barely reached the threshold of life. So much pressure, that some are even driven to suicide. And as if board exams aren't enough, these 17-18 year olds have entrance exams to deal with. I really don't envy these guys one bit.

Knowledge, it seems, has now taken a back seat. All that seems to matter is how well the student is able to master the "pattern". Aren't board exams supposed to be just another set of final exams testing the student's knowledge in a particular subject?

I think it's high time that somebody realizes that awarding 90 percent is not the sole aim of having board exams. It's not enough that they just 'realize' it. Something has to be done to change the system.

In my case, I eventually did manage to get into a college. These days, some might even call it a 'reputed' college. But it pains me to think of those who deserved better colleges and didn't get into them.

Long Long Way to Go

Medical dramas on television have a knack of combining an inherent sense of reality with the imaginative fantasy about them. However realistic they may seem, there is always a certain degree of detachment from the audience because even though one could potentially relate to it, you would never imagine actually being part of this in real life. As much as I enjoy watching medical dramas of this kind, when you are faced with a similar situation yourself and expected to think on your feet because someone else’s life is in your hands, it does not not seem all that exciting anymore.

Though both my parents are physicians, I had never been put in a situation where I have had to look after people and watch first-hand the suffering of someone you very deeply care for. I had always shied away from such experiences prior to this as I felt that I would not be able to cope with dying and furthermore did not possess the medical acumen to be of any significant help in such a situation. I was thrown into such a situation a few months ago when my aged grandfather was terminally ill and in hospital. He had already acquired a lung infection while recuperating in the hospital after an operation. The family had then made a collective decision to move him out of the hospital room and into a more comfortable and familiar setting, his home in Bangalore.

My aunt and I, who were in Vellore at the time, were given the responsibility of accompanying him on this journey by ambulance from Vellore to Bangalore. This involved having to cope with caring for him on a moving vehicle, ensuring that the oxygen in the cylinder was on constant flow for him to breathe via an oxygen mask and amongst other tasks keep him suitably occupied so that he would not try getting up. The valve on the cylinder was found to be slightly temperamental and that required us to constantly check the flow of oxygen as with each bump on the road, there was risk of a change in the set flow rate. I, being the youngest and most agile of the lot, was designated the job of checking the oxygen flow periodically. This entailed crouching under the stretcher and shining a torch to check if the flow meter was in the same position.

The beginning of the journey was quite uneventful. It was only once we were in the outskirts of Bangalore that things started to get a little out of control. We got stuck in traffic and the previously quiet journey became one interspersed with sirens in an attempt to move ahead. After being jostled around for a short while and successfully managing to keep my grandfather firmly planted on the stretcher in spite of the numerous upheavals, we were on our way again.

However we soon realized that the driver and his assistant had been given the wrong directions. They were under the impression that we had to be taken to the hospital rather than our house and took the wrong turn. We were now in an area of Koramangala that I was unfamiliar with and an ambulance full of other people who had no idea where to go! This was a totally new experience for me, to say the least. After numerous telephone calls, a few more wrong turns and somehow managing to keep a cool head while pandemonium was breaking out all around me, we were able to get my grandfather back home before the oxygen cylinder ran out. We were back on familiar ground and I let the professionals take over as I heaved a huge sigh of relief that our part of the job was done.

This incident in my life is one that is going to remain with me for many years to come. Writing about it has helped me deal with the pent up feelings to a certain extent. I considered it a privilege to help out in whatever way I could in order to look after this man who has given me so much. I believe that by making this tremendous journey with us, it was his way of showing us that he had complete faith in us as individuals. I’m glad I was able to contribute and be a part of the team that brought him safe back to his home, where he passed away peacefully almost a month after this eventful journey. If you're listening, Appa..a big thumbs up to you too :)

The Road Less Travelled

I was tagged in an old picture today and that caused a barrage of memories to catch up with me. Memories that I thought I had buried a long time ago. The picture stared back at me and all I could see were the faces of friends that I may have drifted away from but never truly forgotten.

I remember posing for the photograph and feeling very conscious about the fact I was the only girl there. Not that it bothered me at all on any other occasion. I remember trudging down that road after a long day at school, just willing for this harrowing period of my life to get over with. I remember the friends who I walked down that road with..the ones who somehow made life seem not so dreary. I remember running down that road because we were late for class, stuffing biscuits down our throats in the process. Collapsing on the seat once we got there and being too tired to concentrate. Me being at my lowest weight ever (40kg) and the jokes my friends used to crack to try and persuade me to gain weight (not that I needed any convincing). Gobi manchurian treats before we made our way back home. The chats on the roadside because no one wanted to go back home and hit the books again. Bone clashing with K9 and thereby bugging the hell out of everyone else present. Fighting over the last drop of that communal pepsi bottle.

The road may be plain, just like any other road that you may have seen. But for the people who share these memories, it was the silver lining of the dark times we were in. All of us struggling to find a foothold. It played an integral part in making me the person I am today. To the road, and everyone who was there. Thank you.

Summer of '69

It's amazing how human beings can be such creatures of habit. And as much as I hate to admit it, I am no exception.

My grandparents' home in Bangalore has always been my second home. I write this not to imply that anything has changed in this regard but because I'm totally overwhelmed at how different a place is even when one person is not around. It's the people that make a 'home'.

My grandparents' old house was called "Shanti Nilayam", which means "abode of peace" and this home meant a lot to all those who passed through it. It was on the outskirts of the city and it was here that I was initiated into the community of tree-climbers & kitchen-counter conversationalists :D My grandparents believed in all of their children and grandchildren being brought up as citizens of the world. They were one hell of a formidable team. The home generated love and togetherness. The home connected us with the rest of the world. The home...I'm beginning to sound like a cracked gramophone record.

The new house is just an extension of the old one. All the things that I said before hold true. But with my grandfather not around to make his physical presence felt, I feel a void. Something is missing. Most conversations have some sort of reference to how Appa would have liked it or what he used to say. Yesterday morning, we were sorting out things in the cupboard and came across a whole bunch of things that belonged to Appa. The Air Force uniform cap, old photos, scrap pieces of paper with his writing on it, notes of encouragement to members of the family..anyone who came across it would get a glimpse into the enthusiasm, determination and vitality of this man, who I am so proud to call my grandfather.

We have so many things to learn from the likes of him. If I'm even half as determined as him during the latter part of my life, I would consider myself very lucky. The motivation and urgency with which he went about his daily routine (even at the age of 94) so that he could live life to the fullest, would most definitely put a majority of us 20 year olds to shame. There are so many memories of him that will remain with me for as long as my memory is intact; a thumbs-up before we embarked on that eventful journey by ambulance from Vellore to Bangalore, that hug I got on the last day I saw him..the last goodbye. Appa's always been my hero and any older male has and will probably always be compared to him. I love you, Appa..I probably didn't tell you that enough during your lifetime but Bangalore just doesn't seem the same without you.

Cleaning Out My Closet

Every year my mom insists that we sort out our belongings and give away things that we don't need anymore or have grown out of. I have a habit of never throwing away gifts. Sometimes this even extends to gift wrapping paper. That might explain why there's a treasure trove of paper and cards piled up at the bottom of my cupboard and it shows no sign of getting any smaller!

A few days ago, I settled down in front of my old cupboard and tried to establish some order in the mess. Even though I might end up keeping everything, it doesn't necessarily mean that I've stored it all properly. I had tossed them into a box at leisure and then I ran out of leisure in the shambles of the usual clean-up mode, so they got caught up in the bale-it-up-and-stuff-it-in-the-box-and-we'll-straighten-it-out-next year syndrome.

I hauled out the box, spread out all the things across the bed, settled down with a glass of lime juice and a puzzled frame of mind. Just to help, I put a CD that had been compiled by an old friend in my portable CD player and cranked up the volume.

Here it all was. Candles and pine boughs, CDs and pictures, cards containing heavy messages about love, joy, peace and goodwill. If that wasn't enough, there were all those handwritten messages of affection from friends and family.

It was as if I was watching my life over the past 22 years like a slide show. Seldom have I felt so bad and so good at the same time. So wonderfully rotten, elegantly sad, melancholic and nostalgic.

What can I say? I guess wonder and awe and joy are always there in the attic of one's mind. It doesn't take a lot to set it off. Yet there is a terrible and wondrous truth working here. That all things live only if something else is cleared out of the path to make way. No death; no life. No exceptions. Things must come and go. People. Years. Ideas. The wheel turns and the old is cleared away as fodder for the new.

I picked up the letters and cards to stack them away; with respect if not enthusiasm. Wondering at what is going and coming. Quietly awed into silence by what I have now come to understand but cannot tell.

You Learn

I've been doing a lot of reading lately during the time when I'm not involved in making life changing decisions about housing, passport work, visa booking etc. To say the least, I've been occupied :P

Here's an excerpt from the book "All I really need to know I learned in Kindergarten" by Robert Fulghum:

"All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School. These are the things I learned:

• Share everything
• Play fair
• Don't hit people
• Put things back where you found them
• Clean up your own mess
• Don't take things that aren't yours
• Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody
• Wash your hands before you eat
• Flush
• Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you
• Live a balanced life-learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work everyday some.
• Take a nap every afternoon
• When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
• Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why. But we are all like that.
• Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup- they all die. So do we.
• And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK. "

I just had to share this with all of the 3 people who check my blog from time to time. It's amazing when you think about it. Take any one of those thoughts, convert it into 'adult-talk', apply it to any situation (be it in your family, your work, your government) and it'll probably hold true. Think of what a better world it would be if we all had a basic policy to put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own messes. There would be no Hitler, no Iraq war, no insurgency by totally psychotic terrorists..you name it.

And I think it all comes down to this - now matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

Home

I'm home :D

The last few days have been spent wondering how I was feeling so weird about leaving Delhi and not as excited as I thought I would be about the thought of going home after 5 months. That all changed the moment I got on the flight heading to Mangalore from Mumbai. The mumbling in the background wasn't the usual Hindi that I had learned to tune out to. It was a language I actually associate with 'home' - Kannada.

The sudden feeling of elation that I had was so overwhelming that I rushed to my seat before I made a total fool out of myself.

That's when it struck me. I was almost home. And it felt amazing :)

When Love & Hate Collide

Somebody recently asked me how I've enjoyed my Delhi experience. There were just too many things to take into account before I could give her a straight answer! Here goes..

1. Walk down Janpath at night and you'll find an empty road (it's downright creepy). Come back the next afternoon and you'll find yourself in the middle of a bustling market. These hawkers have perfected the art of space preservation. Give them 50 square feet of space and they'll happily throw their clothes one on top of the other. It becomes our job to wade through these piles of clothes (each with a slight tear or tea stain)...most of the time you dig out a just-too short shirt with a nice fancy logo across the front. You'll have to have the willpower of an ox to resist the thought of snatching it up for yourself (Face it..it costs only Rs. 20. You may never know whether it's real or not, but you figure, neither will anyone else).----(Love-1, Hate-0)
2. Creepy 'uncles' in cars and parks. Enough said. (1 added to Hate's score..wasn't it obvious??? :P)
   
3. Public Transport - Once you get a hang of the bus routes, there aren't many places you can't go to by bus. Besides..it's the cheapest way to travel! You have to be prepared for the crowd, occasionally being felt up or pushed around etc etc..but I guess it all evens out in the end. Wouldn't recommend travelling by bus any time after 8:30 at night though for any female. And if all else fails, there is the Metro (amazingly clean for Delhi standards!). It's just too bad that it doesn't cover the whole of Delhi yet ---(+1 for LOVE)
   
4. Right now it's 42 degrees outside during the daytime..and 27 degrees at night. It supposedly gets worse! Blaa..
5. Dilli Haat (Love-3, Hate-2)
   
6. Street food! (especially the Momos) Somehow paranthas taste best at 12-1 in the morning ;) (Love-4, Hate-2)
   
7. You can't wear just whatever you want in Delhi. You run the risk of being stared at, followed and whatever other crap comes to mind. You can think of wearing figure-hugging, skin revealing clothes only if you are going to be driven to and from your doorstep to the desired destination. Mumbai totally rocks when it comes to this though (Love-4, Hate-3)
8. Agreed..you have to sharpen up your Hindi (at least be well versed with some of the gaalis) as well your elbow if you have any plans of staying in Delhi for an extended period of time. You have your share of weirdos here and the occasional people who have the urge to feel up random females..but you do find some really nice people around :) The kind who let you into their lives, chat away to glory, give you advice on good food places to check out, the kind you are not likely to forget for quite some time... (Love-5, Hate-3)
9. The monuments. Delhi is just oozing history from every pore. There seems to be a monument on every corner in some areas. It's crazy! We should really take measures to conserve these national treasures instead of letting them deteriorate til the point of no return. (Love-6, Hate-3)

I guess I could go on and on..but I decided to stop here. Bottom line..I love Delhi twice as much as I hate it :D I have less than a week here before I fly back home and I have this strange feeling that I'm leaving yet another home behind.

This post is dedicated to all those who made my stay in Delhi so memorable..you guys rock! Cheers :D

Have a Nice Day

There are times when you read a book and excerpts of it seem to jump out at you from the page. You suddenly wish you had written those words. At times, they're just the words you wanted to hear for a little reassurance, at other times the author may have put down your thoughts on paper.

Some people seem to have the gift of being able to express their feelings so well on paper that you can't help but wish at some point that you had written it. Bill Bryson is the latest author who evoked this feeling in me. Lately I've been reading his book - "A Short History of Nearly Everything". It's not the kind of book I could read at a stretch unlike the other books of his that I've read, but I would still recommend any of you science enthusiasts to go out and get yourself a copy of this book. Here's an excerpt (it's the last few paragraphs of his book):

"If this book has a lesson, it is that we are awfully lucky to be here - and by 'we' I mean every living thing. To attain any kind of life at all in this universe of ours appears to be quite an achievement. As humans we are doubly lucky, of course. We enjoy not only the privilege of existence, but also the singular ability to appreciate it and even in a multitude of ways, to make it better. It is a trick we have only just begun to grasp.

We have arrived at this position of eminence in a stunningly short time. Behaviourally modern humans have been around for no more than about 0.0001 per cent of Earth's history - almost nothing, really - but even existing for that little while has required a nearly endless string of good fortune.

We really are at the beginning of it all. The trick, of course, is to make sure we never find the end. And that, almost certainly, will require a lot more than lucky breaks."

Three cheers to that...

What goes around comes around

You know something is quite wrong with the human psyche when you offer your seat to a much older lady in the bus and everyone including the poor old woman looks at you with a very puzzled and shocked expression. Is it such a surprising act? Maybe it just doesn't happen as often as it should. I would like to think that if any of my female family members (the older generation) travelled by bus, that a slightly younger woman would give them space to sit if they were having trouble balancing in the isle while the bus driver tried his usual stunts of weaving his way through traffic to reach the next destination just those few minutes faster.

Somehow the art of conversation with random strangers seems to have dried up in most parts of our society. Everybody is constantly on guard and any sort of help rendered by you is initially looked upon with a great deal of suspicion. What ever happened to the random acts of kindness? I don't particularly blame people for their suspicions but it's just quite frustrating when you are genuinely trying to help someone and they look in the opposite direction.

But every once in a while, something happens which just seems to reaffirm my faith in the human race. I was with a friend in a market last Sunday and we were trying to figure out how to get to a nearby market and just how far away it was. Some people just continued walking, others feigned ignorance, some just genuinely seemed to have no clue. Just when we were losing hope, a lady saw us and actually came up to us and asked us if we needed help. She gave us directions, told us how much it should cost to go by auto and advised us against walking because it wasn't that close by!

There's just something about experiences like that which make you feel like the world may not be such a bad place after all. I guess it goes to show that if you are at receiving end of those 'random acts of kindness', the chances of you be tempted to indulge in them yourself may be just a wee bit higher. So go out today and help a random stranger. At the end of it, give them your best smile and the smile you'll get in return will not only make your day but also that of the other person.

:D

Born to Run

It's official. I have exactly 5 weekends before I head back home. I have probably ended up doing just about half the things I had set out to do once I stepped out on Dilli soil. I probably need to come back here sometime so that I can finish off all the places I wanted to go to!

I don't think any piece of writing will do justice to the varied experiences I've had in Delhi. When people told me that life was going to be different for me once I was living here on my own, I just brushed their warnings aside and was determined to plunge into the experience and get the most out of it. I'm a strong believer in the human spirit and even though I was given countless warnings about how I have to be CAREFUL in this city, I was determined to focus on the good around me. I haven't had any bad experiences here barring the one time I was standing on the main road waiting for a friend to pick me up and 3-4 cars slowed down (with 'uncles' in them) and the drivers' offering to give me ride. Even that's pretty mild if you think about it..

I think I've managed to do quite a bit with my 4 months here. One just never seems to be satisfied with what we've seen though. I'll go into the details of where I've been in Delhi some other time. Right now, I just feel like the clock is ticking and I'm running a race against time.

I'm heading off to Agra tomorrow morning and Mumbai a couple of weeks later. Any one have any ideas about places I can go to in the 3 free weekends I have before I leave?

Your time starts now :D

Blowing In The Wind

How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, n how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, n how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before theyre forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind,
The answer is blowin in the wind.

How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, n how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, n how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind,
The answer is blowin in the wind.

How many years can a mountain exist
Before its washed to the sea?
Yes, n how many years can some people exist
Before theyre allowed to be free?
Yes, n how many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesnt see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind,
The answer is blowin in the wind.

-Bob Dylan

It's been a while

I've been sitting in front of the computer for what seems like forever & then it struck me how I hadn't written here for a while. I wish I could blame it on the enormous workload but that would be far from the truth.

It's been a while since I could put my feelings down on my paper.

It's been a while since I've been able to think coherently about what the future has in store for me.

To quote the words of the original song by Staind -

"Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!
It's been a while since I could look at myself straight
It's been a while since I said I'm sorry."

It's been a while.

The Real Thing

A trip into Old Delhi is definitely not for the faint-hearted. It'll tear to shreds the most stubborn of curtains that had painstakingly been drawn in front of your eyes. A couple of hours here will probably leave you in a state of wonder at the sheer grit and determination of human beings. It'll make you sorry for ever having felt sorry for yourself.

The industrious nature of people here has to be seen to be believed. We were driven back to the Red Fort by a cycle rickshaw driver with a clubbed foot. These people are struggling day in and day out for a glimpse of a life that you and I take for granted.

The history of this place is phenomenal. We had lunch in Karim's which first opened in the early 1900s and still runs to this day with the help of the fifth generation. You could probably buy anything you could possibly imagine in these shops. Eat possibly everything under the sun; including chicken feet, goat brain curry, goat heads and list goes on.

I thought it was going to be gory sights at the butcher shops that would make me lose my appetite (I'm contemplating becoming a vegetarian now!). But it was the stark divide between the rich and poor which really got to me. For example, on one side of the road you'll see the majestic Red Fort with its manicured lawns and just across it; you have glimpses of the sheer poverty afflicting a startling majority in this country. Like a friend of mine put it, "I guess some things never change".

The fact is plain and simple - there is something terribly wrong with the world. It's only right that we take a leaf from the lives of our friends in Old Delhi. We have to change things, foremost, by accepting that we may not see the results come through in our lifetime and therefore, that cannot be our excuse to stop trying.

It's A Small World After All

By now, some of you may have noticed that most of my posts have song titles for headings. I'm a big one for theme songs and relating songs to real life experiences and sometimes even people. Most songs have a memory attached to it and it's a 'feel-good' strategy that I've developed over the years. There's usually a song that'll get me out of a crappy mood!

This is the song that rang through my head today as I was sitting (yes,sitting for a change!) on the bus on my way back home. I was indulging in my usual pass-the-time activity i.e. watching the world go by when I actually saw a familiar face in the bus going in the opposite direction! Granted, I was never really pals with the guy back in college but it was a familiar face nonetheless.

And like most other mundane things in life, it got me thinking :P Who would've thought that the chances of meeting or even seeing a familiar face in this big city that I temporarily call 'home' would be so high? As it turns out, pretty high indeed because this isn't the first time it's happened since I got here. I'd almost forgotten about the time I was introduced to a person with the word 'Kodialbail' on his name-tag and we ended up having a lot of common friends from back home! Or the time I was in Khan Market during my first few weeks in Delhi and I see an old junior from school while we were both waiting for those mouth-watering kabab rolls at Khan Chacha's (damn, I'm hungry). And what about the time I was introduced to a girl who was attending a conference at IHC and the only thought running through my head at the time was how much she reminded me of a junior from college? Surprise..surprise..they turned out to be cousins!

So I've come to one conclusion..if you have your roots in Kerala, have been brought up in Manipal, studied in Vellore (please note..all these places have a floating population) and have a mother who doesn't have a problem communicating even if the other person doesn't speak the same language (I'm not kidding, she once had a full fledged conversion with my uncle's Spanish housekeeper), the chances of you meeting people you know, people who know people you know or even people your parents know is VERY high. I can try saying that these kind of chance meetings will not surprise me from now onwards but that would be a lie. I have a strong feeling that I'll still get goosebumps, be embarassed for a few seconds and suddenly find myself at a loss for words.

Hehe..but it's a nice feeling :) To think that it's a small world after all...

More Than a Feeling

I'm one of those people who is a sucker for happy endings. I believe all things happen for a reason. Good or bad. And call me crazy, but I believe that if you really truly wish for something to happen, it will. Eventually. Sometimes it takes its own sweet time to happen and at other times, things just appear when you want them to!

You might be wondering what got me started along this train of thought. I finally got down to reading 'The Alchemist' today. It's one of those books which I've heard people talking about but never got down to reading because I was turned off by the idea of reading a remotely philosophical book. I'm a stubborn person with weird ideas stuck in my head every once in a while..I know ;)

Surprise Surprise! The book made me think about my own life and the world around me. When was the last time I truly listened to my heart and followed my dreams? Do I pay attention to the omens strewn along life's path? Would I even notice them if they had a placard held up with my name in BOLD letters written across it?

Hmmm..no comment.

For the time-being, I think I'm going to have to be content knowing that I'm not the only one in the world who feels this way. The sadist in me actually feels comforted by that fact :P I shall continue to try and make a wish on a shooting star (somehow with the pollution in Delhi, I doubt that's going to happen any time soon!) and do everything in my power to make my dreams come true. After all, everyone is entitled to their own happy ending :D

Who Knew

The last post kind of inspired me to make a last attempt at contacting a very old friend of mine. And as luck would have it, I managed to get through to him and a meeting was fixed! Now let me fill you in on the blank spaces...

This is a guy who I last met when I was 7. He was my 'chaddi' buddy in the true sense of the word ;) Back then, we shared a back wall and all it took to get him to jump over the wall was to start filling the water in the paddle pool and scream his name out loud. Within minutes, there would be two kids splashing about in the pool as if there was not a care in the world! We were a team back then. Almost like a package deal :P He's the person who gave me the nickname that all my close friends call me to this day! I remember bits and pieces of our school bus trips together. Me running back to pick up things that he had left behind, he standing up for me when I got into trouble, both of us dealing with small-time bullies together, me bullying people who bullied him....

And there we were, more than 15 years later, attempting to make a new beginning. Laughs turned into snorts when we realized that we both still diligently pick any trace of capsicum from our food..Conversation flowed..opinions were exchanged, lists of top ten favourites were listed..we had a lot to catch up on!

What I found weird was that even after all the years that have passed, we still had some vague sort of connection. Numerous attempts to get in touch earlier had failed for some reason or the other. But what was nice, was the fact that it had worked out this time :)

It's a refreshing change to meet someone after so long and for them to accept you unconditionally. For them to probably have more faith in you than you might have in yourself and vice versa. It’s not everyday that you come across friends like this and for that, RB, I only have you to thank :)

Static

I'm always been amazed when I meet some old friends after such a long time and it's like not a day has passed since you last met up and you just seem to pick up from where you left off. I guess it's a pleasant surprise because usually I've never had much luck in that department. Now don't get me wrong, I've always seemed to have amazing friends. But most often, after extended periods of no contact, there just doesn't seem to be much to talk about.

I guess it is natural that people expect that all the things they left behind would be just as they last remembered them. But there is movement, everywhere. For all things. Within all of us. There keeps being reason for me to reflect on my portion in that.

And that's why these kinds of friends are all the more special. They're not very easy to come by! I almost always end up having this fuzzy feeling after a brief but nice conversation with them :)

I intend to get in touch with more old friends eventually. All this thinking has got me curious! I haven't been as good at keeping in touch with people as I would've hoped I'd be. So if you're out there..old friend, here I come :D

Hanging by a moment

Life is strange. It does funny things to you. If it lands a slap on your face, it kind of makes up for it by making you go places. If it makes you work hard, it makes you smile too. And the happiness kind of makes up for the sadness.

Kind of.

Closing a chapter of your life is never easy..there's just so much of yourself in there and to move on seems like nothing short of voluntarily chopping off a limb. I don't know if it's the uncertainty that makes my tummy churn or the process of scribbling a mental end-note.

Creating chapters have its significant moments. Moments that stay with you. Moments that make you stronger.

But chapters don't have to be ended. People put an end to them. People like you and me.

So that's where I'd like to leave my life right now-like an open ended chapter. I don't want to seal it. I want to take it with me. During my solitary time, I take a peak into the significant moments, taste the bittersweet flavour and smile :)

Now don't ask me what turn my life's going to take over the next few months. Go figure..

Small talk

One thing I've never quite figured out is how one should respond to a leading question or conversation starter such as "How's it going?" or "waaasssupp?" and the like..

We all face variations of this small talk almost everyday and everywhere..and even indulge in it from time to time (sigh). One should be quick to realize that nobody really wants to hear "I have a cold and feel like something even the cat wouldn't bring home" (you get the picture). This phenomenon almost borders on the ridiculous when the questions come flying at you from a person walking towards you in the corridor. If you time it right, you just might have enough time to say "Great!" before the other person vanishes into thin air. And that brings me back to the crux of the matter..what is the right response? Is there one? :P Oh well..

But then again, society seems to demand small talk. I've had countless conversations over the past few weeks with random people about the vaguest things possible. Like when I got onto the crowded lift at the ground floor in an attempt to not take the stairs to get to my lab (which is on the 6th floor of the building, by the way) , only to find that the whole lot of them got off on the FIRST floor. The only thing left to do was laugh and smile at the only other person left in the lift , who was muttering under her breath about how lazy and inconsiderate people are these days ;) It's those brief conversations and experiences that kind of give me a high at times. You feel a remote connection with the other person for that nano-second and it prompts you to say hello to them the next time you see them in the corridor!

I've always believed that each and every one of us is a social being..no matter how anti-social we claim to be :) I guess that's what compels us to greet other people in the corridor with "How're you doing?"! It's either that..or it's the memory of someone not responding to a greeting, looking right through you and making you feel part of the wood-work that urges you not to make anyone else feel that way. I am forever the optimist :)

This is not to say that I'm at a total loss for words every time that I have a question like that thrown at me. The usual response is "Nothing much" and then the conversation just seems to get underway on its own. I guess the same funda is true in the case of saying 'goodbye'. Most of the time, 'See you soon" or "I'll see you around" comes as an automatic way to indicate the end of a conversation. What if you really don't intend to hang around with that person again? :P But I have to admit, there are times when it just seems impolite to leave a conversation or room with a terse "bye". I guess a decent substitute would be..

Monday/Tuesday - "Have a good week!"
Wednesday - "What plans for the weekend?"
Thursday/Friday - "Have a good weekend!"

And now that my secret is out..please don't mind when I use these lines on one of you ;) For those of you who really wanted to know..I've been fine..great actually!(even though some of you may claim that my recent poems may show otherwise :P) I'm back to my lazy self, sleeping in when I should be getting ready to run and catch the bus to work, taking trips to my own world of make-believe where I don't notice when people say hi to me, making lots of enthusiastic plans to go out and ending up just staying indoors and eating a lot of Marie biscuits and curd:) Yup..I'd say life is pretty much back to normal :D

Breathe

Staring out into the night,
Beneath this cloudless sky.
You've wasted the day thinking.
You've had your fill of sinking.

Just forget the world,
Time is running out.
Even when all hope is gone,
Just have a little patience.

There are secrets
That we still have left to find.
There are answers
That may even change your mind.

Summer has come and gone.
This feeling of emptiness lingers on.
You can’t get a life
If your heart’s not in it.

As the sun sets on another day,
Close your eyes & hope…
That after midnight, daylight will come,
And tomorrow might be good for something…

Don’t get caught up in yourself
Take a step back and
Breathe
Just breathe

The Merry-go-round

Been running in circles,
Now suddenly there’s nowhere to run to.
Time is slowly ticking by
Nothing seems to make sense no more

Dazed and confused,

I sit down on the curb,

To catch my breath,

To have a good look at myself.

Somewhere in this darkness
There’s a light that I can’t find.
I can’t find the missing piece
Of this puzzle we call ‘life’.

Part of me is fighting this,
Part of me just wants to give in.
Am going to try and get it right this time
I’m going back to the start.

I scare myself to death,
That’s why I keep on running..
Stick around for a while & then maybe you’ll see
A different side of me.

I’m searching for things

That I cannot see.

I’m just out to find
The better part of me.

Random thoughts

It is the small things that bring home the fact that I am growing older. Like when a small kid looks up at you (after you've given him what seems like a gazzilion piggy-back rides) and asks you "Are you a kid or an adult?" It almost felt like I had a truck ramming against my head and my mind went completely blank for a few seconds. When I asked him what he thought I was..the answer was "I don't know..you tell me!" Kids, I tell you. Trust them to ask you just the right questions.

Anyhoo (I've always wanted to use that word :P)..I've had quite a lot of free time during the nights lately. And I chanced upon a couple of poems by Vikram Seth..I think I now have a new favourite author. Here are two which just seemed to make sense.

All Those who Sleep Tonight

All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or right
And emptiness above -

Know that you aren't alone
The whole world shares your tears,
Some for two nights or one,
And some for all their years.

- Vikram Seth

Time Zones

I willed my love to dream of me last night
That we might lie
At peace, if not beneath a single sheet,
Under one sky.

I dreamed of her but she could not alas
Humour my will;
It struck me suddenly that where she was
Was daylight still.

- Vikram Seth

Tag. I'm it!

I decided to tag myself since I've noticed this 'tag' phenomenon on a couple of random blogs that I've seen. I don't want to tag anyone..just felt like blabbering.

7 things I miss:

• Hostel. The late night chats. The ability to walk down the corridor and have meaningful (and at times, totally meaningless) conversations with people you actually care about.
• Talks with my grandfather over the dining table. We used to laugh about it and want to run away while the conversation was taking place..but the thought that those conversations can't take place anymore makes me want them all the more.
• Home. It gets to you while you're there but after some time being out, you just crave the food..people..and the fact that you can sit back, relax and 'be yourself'.
  
• Being a kid. The thought of not worrying about what the future holds for me is very appealing at the moment.
• Coffee breaks during the last sem in college. The spur-of-the-moment plans that we used to hatch.
• Being less cynical about people...or maybe just life in general.
  
• The ability to write and express myself on demand. It takes a hell of a lot of effort these days..

7 things I can't do:

• Public displays of affection..but I'm learning :)
  
• Control my movements when someone tickles me
  
• Get over my need to obsess about random shit that may not be of any consequence.
  
• Understand abstract art..or even abstract thought processes for that matter.
• Read books based on philosophy or fantasy. They're all the same jibberish to me
• Eat a meal big enough for two. My eyes always seem to be bigger than my stomach!
• Understand hypocrites or people who lead double-lives
  

7 things I can do:

• Laugh about nothing in particular until my eyes start to water.
• Write.
• Have a song constantly running through my head but the minute you ask me which one it is..I'll forget which one!
  
• Be mercilessly truthful on demand
  
• Talk to random people about stuff that doesn't particularly concern me
• Irritate close friends with my 'diplo-babble' :P
• Lose track of time when doing anything 'arty' and 'crafty'
  

7 things I plan to do:

• Discover Delhi. I intend to do this on my own..and if I end up having company..then great!
• Find myself somewhere along the way.
• Visit England, Egypt, Israel and Paris. If I could manage to go with my grandmother for a trip down memory-lane in Europe..even better.
  
• Go bunjee-jumping
• Do something totally reckless..and not regret it one bit the next morning!
  
• Live life..yes, just live life and take things as they come.
  
• Smile..and make others smile in the process :)

The magic that was 'Taare Zameen Par'

A lot has been said lately of the movie ‘Taare Zameen Par’ and rightly so. It’s a Hindi movie with a difference. Trust the perfectionist- Aamir Khan to come up with a movie which seems to touch upon so many topics which the mundane movie makers shy away from.

What made this movie so special to me was the atmosphere in which I saw the film. The movie theatre was really a sight to be seen. There were small ones, the in-between ones, middle aged ones, old people..you name it! I guess you tend to notice people around you much more when you’re alone.

I was lucky enough to be seated next to the cutest old couple I’ve seen for a long time. If I have what they seemed to have at that age, I’ll consider myself blessed :) The old man kept on taking his handkerchief out during the emotional scenes, wipe his eyes with it and then would promptly proceed to wipe the tears streaming down his wife's face or discreetly hand it over to her to do it on her own.

This Hindi movie is suitable for all ages. That doesn't happen every day! How often do you see kids going berserk at the sight of the animated fish at the beginning of the movie and people sitting down to watch the credits as if refusing to acknowledge the fact that the movie has come to an end? What I loved about the movie is the fact that there were so many thoughts that you could take back home with you. I like the fact that each person I meet these days seems to have a different take on the movie but are in universal agreement that this movie is 'special'.

It's a conversation-starter, ended up bringing tears to most eyes, a must-see for those like me who love watching movies that showcase the triumph of the under-dog. It made me realise that kids can be mean, that we all have our own role to play in the intrigue and misunderstanding surrounding this disorder, that we can make a difference in someone else's life if we want to, that sometimes just wanting to help doesn't work (you have to just do it), that even a small gesture could mean the world to someone..to name a few!

For those of you who haven't watched this movie, think again. Maybe you should :) If you'd completely written off Hindi movies, this might help put a wee bit of faith back in the system. The show must go on :D

The contradictions of my life

I was listening to one of my favourite songs recently and suddenly it struck me how much the lyrics in the song actually remind me of my own life..and it's present state of utter confusion, chaos and total uncertainty. Hehe..except in my case, I'm usually hailing an autorickshaw or bus :P Here goes!

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

-"Hand In My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette

Tuesday's gone.

[This is something I wrote a few months ago. Thought it was apt to add this to my newly made blog]


Rewind.....9-10 months ago...

Summer's set in on good old Vellore. You can tell by the way everyone avoids leaving their rooms in the sweltering afternoons unless they want to risk complete dehydration and planning their walks around campus based on which building has decent bathrooms or water coolers :P

It's at times like this..that you feel like DOING something. ANYTHING! It must be the heat, you tell yourself..the only solace are the brief food breaks (essential for sanity) and 15 minute breaks in an A/C lab. The end of college still seems eons away. Who thinks about stuff like that anyway?

May 2007

We're almost done. With each passing day, we try pushing it further and further into the background. Nobody talks about it. I guess if we don't talk about it, it might not happen..

But with whatever we did..the inevitable happened. Every day had a new person to say 'good-bye' to. You try and keep a straight face..smile and wave..but even the slightest degree of emotion on the other person's face can make the hardest nuts to crack sob like a little baby when their backs are turned.

It ended with pregnant silences that seemed to leave everything and nothing unsaid (ironic,huh?); hugs with each person hesitant to let go; promises to meet again, to keep in touch, tears. But above everything else, it ended in a feeling of emptiness- a hollow feeling that eventually gave way to the realization that a way of life had just been laid to rest, and that this chapter of our lives had finally come to a close.

Present Day

People have moved on. Conversations only occur when a real effort is made. The old voices never fail to make you smile :) The old pictures now remind you of what seems like a distant memory. You almost have to pinch yourself to feel the pain at times. It feels like that candle has been snuffed out leaving you in total darkness.

There's talk of a reunion. Will that ever happen? God knows. The enthusiasm dwindles. But come what may..you still hope that you share the same magic with those people. That you can pick up from where you left off. That there's something left to rediscover when you go back!

The memories never fail to make you smile :) Those were happy times. The good life. When you could pick up the phone and talk for free! Those long drawn out conversations about some vague concept (which seemed important at the time). It's those memories which we all hold on to. Times moves on. People do too. But nothing can take away the memories of those times :D They did happen..and that small candle blowing in the wind will continue to burn for as long as those memories live on.

A brand new beginning

Loneliness and joblessness are a deadly combination. It makes you do weird things..like start a blog :P I had almost sworn that I wouldn't start a blog. Hehe..looks like that idea has been totally blown out of the water.